Ninth Grade
by sillybitch7
Summary: Dr. Cox?" Asked a surprised voice. Dr. Cox was standing in what looked like a high school hallway, surrounded on both sides by beat up green lockers. He swung around to face JD, who looked dumbfounded. "Dr. Cox, what are you doing in my dream?" This is dumb and sort of sad.
1. people smile and tell me i'm a lucky one

**A/N: Slightly sci-fi during this chapter, but not a sci-fi story. Also this is my first Scrubs fiction, so it's going to be utterly horrible until I get use to writing the characters. I tried hard. That's a lie. I tried moderately hard some of the time while writing this. Review? 3**

**Chapter 01: The Dream**

***

Dreaming had always been something Perry Cox looked forward to. He would spend a busy day bustling throughout the hospital, yelling at his coworkers and sometimes even his more stubborn patients. Sleep was a chance to rest, and dreaming was better than any TV show.

But that night was different for Perry Cox.

Nothing had changed in his routine. He got home at around nine that evening, had a drink, took a shower, ate a quick TV dinner with a couple of beers while watching _Deadliest Catch_ on the television, then brushed his teeth and stretched out in his bed. He was asleep in a matter of seconds. No, his routine was by far normal, but his dream wasn't.

"_Dr. Cox?" Asked a surprised voice. Dr. Cox was standing in what looked like a high school hallway, surrounded on both sides by bend up green lockers. He swung around to face JD, who looked equally surprised. "Dr. Cox, what are you doing in my dream?" JD demanded, balling his hands into fists at his side._

_ "Your dream? Listen, Sharon, this is my dream, so I can ask you the same question."_

_ "Oh my god!" JD practically squealed. "We're sharing a dream! That's so, so, SO cool!" _

_ "My god, Carol, calm down. Are you on your period or something? Jesus. And Newbie, where the hell are we?"_

_ JD smiled slightly and cocked his head to the side a little, as if thinking. Then he answered: "We're in Sumac Point High school. This is where I went as a kid. I already looked around and found my ninth grade me in his- er, my global class. Dude, it's so cool, cuz' no one can see me!" As he finished his explanation a loud bell sounded and the hallway began filling up with students, opening and slamming their lockers shut and chatting loudly with their friends._

_ "Ninth grade you? Jesus, why am I dreaming about ninth grade Nancy?" Cox wondered aloud. _

_ "I wonder why I'm dreaming about ninth grade me, too. Ninth grade was a hard year for me," JD sighed and stared off into space for a minute, the way he always did. Then he snapped back and pointed at a thin boy standing in front of his locker. He was wearing a black and red sweatshirt that read "Sumac Point!" across the chest and gray jeans. His black hair hung slightly in front of his eyes. "That's me."_

_ Perry stared at ninth grade JD. The boy was reaching into his locker and pulling out a purple textbook. The guy standing next to him elbowed him hard in the ribs, smirked, and headed down the hall. "Didn't stand up for yourself, did you Carrie?" _

_ "I guess not," JD grumbled. "That guy was Abbot Chrysler. He hated me," he rubbed his shoulder. "I never did anything to him, you know. He just hated me for no reason."_

_ Ninth grade JD turned down the hall and started up the stairs to his next class. JD started following him then stopped and turned to Dr. Cox. "What do we do? Do we follow him- er, me?"_

_ "Well, Susan, this is just a dream, so does it really matter what we do?"_

_ JD shrugged. "I don't know if this is just a dream. I mean, how come were both having a dream about Sumac Point? I hated this place! I would certainly never dream about it. And doesn't this seem to real to be a dream? Maybe we're like, I dunno, ghosts?" He did jazz hands and made a "whoooo" ghost noise. Cox rolled his eyes._

_ "Since you seem to know this place to well, Carrie, I'll follow you."_

_ "Well, before we start stalking me there's a place I want to check out," the bell rang again and by that time all the students had disappeared into classrooms. "You coming?" He asked as he started down the hallway. Dr. Cox sighed and trailed behind him, keeping a large distance between himself and Newbie._

_ "That's my math class," JD pointed at a door when he passed it. "I had that period… Hmm, I think two." Cox glanced in through the window on the door and saw students goofing around at their desks, flicking paper at each other. He groaned, disgusted. _

_ "Where are you taking me, Newbie?" Cox demanded._

_ "Here," JD stepped in through an open door. The air in the room smelled thickly like paint and chalk, and Cox knew it was an art room. It was empty of students, only an elderly man sitting at the teachers desk grading projects. _

_ "That's Mr. Boller, my favorite teacher. His class was the only one I had an A in for the first three marking periods," JD walked over to the man and then remembered that Mr. Boller couldn't see or hear him. He frowned and looked miserably at his favorite teacher._

_ "This is what you wanted to show me, Newbie?" Cox sighed in frustration. _

_ "Well, there's more. I want to see my art project," JD chewed on his lip and walked through a door behind the teacher's desk, into a very small storage room. He began rummaging through the cupboards, then pulled out a large sheet of paper and held it up. Painted on it was a dragon, it's tail tightly curled around a box of treasure that was spilling over with rubies and diamonds. The scaled were a light bluish purple, accented in gold. One of its eyes was closed as if it was sleeping, but the other eye was open and alert, watching for thieves. It really was beautiful._

_ "This is what it looked like before Abbot ruined it," JD said, smiling sadly._

_ "He ruined it?" Dr. Cox asked, taking in the masterpiece. "Why?"_

_ "Because he hated me," JD shrugged and returned it to the cupboard. "He poured paint all over it one class. He said it was an 'accident'."_

_ "What an ass," Cox said so flatly that JD had to laugh. _

_ "There's more to see," JD started out of the art room and Perry followed him, a little closer this time._

_ "That's the cafeteria," JD pointed towards large glass doors as he passed it. "I'm actually in lunch this period. Was in lunch." He pointed towards his ninth grade self, who was sitting in the corner alone drawing in his notebook. Dr. Cox chuckled. _

_ "Didn't have any friend, Lucy?" JD flushed a little._

_ "N-no! Just none in my lunch period." _

_ Dr. Cox studies the younger JD a little more, then commented: "You're not eating. You're drawing."_

_ "I know, I had an…" JD bit his tongue and said nothing and Perry raised his brow._

_ "What was that, Nancy?"_

_ "Nothing. I forgot what I was going to say," JD said, then continued down the hall. "That's the principal's office, and over there is the guidance office." A blond woman walked out of the guidance office, and JD smiled at her, something she did not see. "That's Carol, our guidance counselor."_

_ "You were on first name basis with your guidance counselor?" Dr. Cox snorted. "You really were something, Mary Jane."_

_ "I guess," JD grumbled. The bell chimed and he perked a little. "I should be in gym now!" He seemed more cheerful at that news, as he rushed back in the other direction towards the gym. Dr. Cox rolled his eyes and followed him towards the Sumac Point gymnasium. _

_ In the gym ninth grade JD was smiling for the first time that day and sitting next to a blond girl with pale skin and glasses. She wasn't wearing any makeup and her hair was pulled up in a tight pony tail. Her purple jacket read "The North Face" over the left breast. "That's Jayna," JD smiled towards his old friend._

_ Cox and JD sat two risers above where ninth grade JD and Jayna at. _

_ "You didn't play in gym?" Cox questioned, noticing that while most other students had changed out and were sitting against the wall waiting for instructions from the gym teacher, young JD and Jayna remained on the bleachers, chatting. _

_ JD shook his head. "Didn't play the whole ninth grade year. 'S why I failed, I think."_

_ "Cinderella failed ninth grade, big surprise there. Why isn't your little pony tail girlfriend playing in gym?"_

_ "Her arm is broken, if I remember correctly." _

_ "And was your arm broken?"_

_ "No, I just didn't play."_

_ "Why not, Daisy? Too much work for you?"_

_ JD tensed a little. "It's not that. I just didn't, okay?" They were quiet for a minute, listening to the conversation between the two kids in front of them._

_ "And so, they, like, threw babies up in the air and shot them and shit!" Jayna was saying. Young JD giggled. "JD, it's not funny! I like kids!"_

_ "Your right, Jayna, it's just horrible. But in all seriousness, why the hell are we talking about the Holocaust anyway? I'm not learning that in global yet."_

_ "Because it's important," Jayna scoffed. "So this weekend Kyle Vaughn kept calling me."_

_ "Oh? And what did Captain Failure have to say?"_

_ "Inappropriate stuff," Jayna giggled. "I hate him so much, you know. I still curse Stephanie for giving him my phone number."_

_ "I just curse Stephanie in general," young JD said bitterly. "Stuck up rich bitch."_

_ "She's not that bad if you get to know her, I guess. She's… overbearing."_

_ "Yeah she is," agreed young JD._

_ "How's your arm?" Jayna asked, and ninth grade JD glanced at his sleeve._

_ "Fine," he said, then smiled. "So what else did you do this weekend besides getting sexually harassed by Kyle?"_

_ "I had to help my mom clean the basement." Jayna made a face. "Oh my god, this morning I was so cold when I woke up! My mom had, like, all the windows in the fricken house open!"_

_ "Why? It's like, forty degrees."_

_ "I don't know why! She's a dumb shit!" They both laughed at that. "So what did you do this weekend, Dorian?"_

_ "I went on a field trip."_

_ "To where?"_

_ "The land of depression," ninth grade JD said sarcastically. "I did absolutely nothing interesting to speak of."_

_ "Sounds exciting," Jayna said, and then covered her mouth, laughing. She had wire braces covering her white teeth. _

_ "It was magical; I think I saw Jesus riding a unicorn while I was there."_

_ Dr. Cox stopped listening to the two teenager's conversation and asked JD: "Was she your girlfriend?"_

_ "Of course not! We were just good friends, jeeze! Everyone always accused us of being a couple, but we never were! Dayum."_

_ "Don't get your panties twisted, Ramona. Now is there anything else you need to show me, because I would like to wake up soon. My idea of a good dream isn't a tour of your past, and something tells me that I'll be waking up from this horrific nightmare soon."_

_ "Umm, well. Nope, I guess not." JD looked glumly at his former self._

_ "Oh, Newbie, I have a question," Cox glanced down at Jayna and then back up to JD._

_ "What?" JD asked carefully._

_ "Why did Jayna ask you what's wrong with your arm?"_

_ JD opened his mouth to say "I don't remember" (which was a lie, he did,) but suddenly we wasn't in his gym anymore, and Cox was nowhere in sight. _

JD woke with a start in his bed, eyes darting around. He didn't know what he was looking for- Jayna, Dr. Cox, or his ninth grade self. Maybe he was even looking for Abbot. But he didn't find what he was looking for.

The sun filtered in through this dusty bedroom window and he squinted as it shone into his eyes. _What an odd dream_, he thought. _I wonder if it was real. It felt real as hell. I wonder if that really was Dr. Cox sharing a dream with me…_ He groaned and rolled out of bed to shower and get ready for another day at Sacred Heart.

**

**Thanks for reading! Sorry if it's horrible and makes you want to gouge your eyes out. **


	2. theres not enough wind in oklahoma

**It's been forever.**

**I'm sorry.**

**Anyway, here's the second chapter. Please let me know what you guys would like to see more of. More dreams? More talking in real life? More angst? More...uh, I dunno, romance?**

**And this is an angst story rememberrr. :x **

**Also, I was inspired to produce this chapter by reading posts on sixbillionsecrets. Some things that happen in the story from this point on might even be based on one of the secrets. And with each chapter I'm going to post one of my favorites. You guys should check out sixbillionsecrets if you haven't already. It makes you rethink everything. I promise.**

"_**I'm afraid that I'm the friend that everyone secretly hates.**_

The one that's annoying. The one that no one likes. The one that is totally oblivious.

The one that everyone talks about when they're not around.

I'm afraid that I don't have any friends." - sixbillionsecrets

xXx

It was a slow day at the hospital, and JD felt nervous. Dr. Cox hadn't said a single thing to him all day, and he was beginning to question whether he and the older man really _had_ shared a dream. But it wasn't like he could ask. If it hadn't been real, he would just seem creepy.

But what if it _was_ real? Where did that leave them?

He clicked his tongue and stared at his chart absentmindedly. That dream bothered him.

Why ninth grade? Freshman year was exceptionally suckish. It wasn't exactly the glory days he would like to go back and revisit. It was a time where his world seemed to be crashing down around him.

He began chewing nervously on his pen. Even thinking about it brought on a wave of old pain. Literally a painful memory. Since the first day of college he had pushed most of his high school years out of his mind completely.

In a way it made things much easier to deal with.

He was never one of the people who looked back on their old high school yearbooks and laughed at how crazy everyone's hair looks, or reread the old comments posted under the autograph sections. He never even ordered a yearbook. He didn't go through his old high school papers, or the boxes of stuff that was once in his old bedroom and now sat in his mother's basement. Skeletons buried deep and gathering dust.

Everyone was allowed a few skeletons in the closet, right? If that was how the expression went, anyway.

"JD, that pen just exploded all over your face.

JD snapped out of his thoughts and stared blankly at Carla, taking a minute to process what she just said. Then his hand shot up to his face, and he touched sticky blue ink that immediately smeared across his fingers.

"Oh, Bambi, your face is all blue," Carla frowned sympathetically. "You only chew on pens like that when somethings bothering you. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," JD answered. "I was just thinking and got distracted. Ugh, I better go wash this crap off my face," he turned away from Carla and quickly headed to the bathroom, wetting some paper towels and scrubbing at his face.

The ink was starting to fade when the bathroom door opened and Dr. Cox walked in, shooting a peculiar glance at JD.

"What happened there, Andrea? Explode a pen? I sure hope you didn't get any ink on your new pink sundress! We all know pink is your favorite color," he began sarcastically.

"Actually, I prefer orange, _thank you very much. _It makes me feel slightly indie." JD continued scrubbing at his face as Dr. Cox joined him, washing his hands. "I was chewing on a pen, it exploded."

"Pens are a very good source of Vitamin C," Dr. Cox said sarcastically. "Although if you're looking for fiber, I'd go with pencils."

"Yeah, thanks, I'll keep that in mind," JD grumbled. Then he sighed. "Hey, can I ask you a weird question that you should totally not take in a creeper way?"

Dr. Cox almost seemed to hesitate for a second, before saying, "go for it kid."

"What did you dream about last night?"

Perry studied himself in the mirror for a second. "I dreamed that you were showing me around your high school. And we were stalking your ninth grade self, which was a little creepy by the way. And you had this silly girlfriend who was bitching about how her mom was trying to freeze her to death."

"Jayna was not my girlfriend!" JD shouted. Then he paled. "Wait, you were in my dream! How'd you do that? Are you magic?"

Dr. Cox groaned. "Oh god, Carol-Anne! I don't _know_ how it happened!"

"Telepathy!" JD lit up. "Kinda like Carrie, but different! Cuz she's telekinetic, not telepathic... but that was still an awesome book! I wish I could destroy my high school on prom night because some bitches poured blood on me..." He tilted his head to the side, losing himself in a daydream, and Dr. Cox walked out of the bathroom.

xXx

_'Oh god, not this again', Dr Cox groaned as he found himself staring at the familiar green-lockered hallway of Sumac Point High School. 'This is getting ridiculous. I want my damn dreams back! As if dealing with this kid all day isn't bad enough... speaking of which, where is the damn kid?'_

_ "Perry?" A voice asked. He turned around to see JD, standing at his former locker. "You're here again? Not much for privacy, are you?" His voice was joking and soft._

_ "I'm not here by choice, Newbie," Perry growled. "There are about a thousand other things I'd rather be dreaming about than your little high school self, trust me. Like puppies or Enya or woodshop."_

_ "I never took woodshop," JD said. "The shop room was always freezing and filled with car parts. The teacher didn't even use them. They were just there. They were always there. It was weird. And I think he was a rapist anyway," he shrugged. _

_ "Fascinating story, Candy."_

_ "I'm in lunch right now," JD said almost nonchalantly. "I'm eating in the library today. Or, well, was eating in the library today... ugh this is confusing. JD is eating in the library today."_

_ "Now it sounds like you're speaking in third person."_

_ "Get over it," he said playfully. "I wish he could hear me, though."_

_ "Such a shame," Dr. Cox said, laced with sarcasm. "So what do we do now?"_

_ "Uhhh. I was thinking about going through my old locker, actually. You can do whatever you want."_

_ "I'm not wondering around your old high school by myself. I'll watch you," Perry sighed, and JD glanced at the rows of lockers, finally spotting his own. Number 1736. It squeaked when he opened it._

_ "I remember how I always wanted like the Guillotine thingies or whatever they're called, that Bender from _The Breakfast Club_ had in his locker," JD laughed, pulling out a bunch of papers. "God I was messy."_

_ "I can see that," Dr. Cox said, grabbing a ball of paper and uncrumpling it. It was an old algebra test that JD had gotten an 86 on. "Looks like you were good at math," he commented, tossing the paper back at JD, who shrugged._

_ "Math was actually one of my weaker subjects. I just had to get good grades."_

_ "I see," Dr. Cox said, picking up another ball and opening it. It was a sketch of a wooden doll __that an artist uses for poses with a noose around it's neck. "So deep," he laughed,and JD blushed, grabbing the paper from him._

_ "Shut up," he whined, shoving the paper back into his locker. "And stop just looking at stuff. I don't know what all is in here."_

_ "And what could possibly be in here? More tests and powerful drawings?" Dr. Cox smirked, but JD only sighed. _

_ "I don't know. A lot of stuff. I kept a lot of stuff in my locker. Old notes and stories and letters and drawings and a few things I don't want people to read. Okay?"_

_ "Don't get your panties twisted, Hillary," Dr. Cox said. But JD had aroused his curiosity now. He watched as JD uncrumpled a purple piece of paper, glanced at it, made a weird face and shoved it back into his locker. "What was that one?"_

_ "Nothing," JD answered quickly. "Gym homework. I'm done with my locker, it's taking too long, and the bells gonna ring." He began quickly shoveling the papers back into his locker. Dr Cox stared at him, now curious about that purple piece of paper. He doubted it was gym homework._

_ JD slammed the door to his locker shut and stood up, cracking his knuckles. "Wanna go stalk JD?" he asked._

_ "Sure," Dr Cox grumbled, and followed the other doctor down the hall, to the left, down another hall, to the right, and into the library, where grade-nine JD sat in the back corner of the library, writing or doodling something in a composition notebook._

_ "What was I writing?" JD wondered aloud._

_ "Probably something stupid and girly."_

_ "Probably something stupid," JD agreed. _

_ Grade-nine JD was clad in a black hoody that was unzipped to reveal a Guns n' Roses t-shirt. He glanced at the clock and began packing up his stuff. As he was doing this, the bell rang. _

_ They followed younger JD until he turned and went inside his gym. _

_ "You can go follow you and your little girlfriend's conversation, Newbie. I wanna go look at those car parts you were telling me about." JD got a slightly confused look on his face._

_ "I didn't know you were into cars."_

_ "Most men are, Cheryl."_

_ "Well, do you want me to come with you?"_

_ "Not really. I'd like to get away from you, actually. In case you couldn't tell."_

_ "Well..." JD hesitated for a minute, before saying, "Fine. Go right and turn at the first hallway. Then go left and go to the end of the hall and turn down that hallway. Then go left, go way to the end of the hall, and it's the big wooden double doors. Okay?"_

_ "Gotcha," Cox said, already walking away. He gave a quick wave._

_ Instead of following JD's directions, he headed on his own path. He wasn't going to the shop room. He could care less about junky old car parts. He was going to JD's locker. That stupid piece of purple paper that made JD react so weird wouldn't leave him mind._

_ Grateful there wasn't a lock on the locker, he opened it up, and began rummaging through the pile of papers his Newbie had so carelessly shoved in. Finally he found it, and unfolded it. It was a a long letter scrawled out in a handwriting that still seemed similar to JD's current one. _

_ He read it, and after that he stared at it for a long time, as though the words hadn't quite seeped in. _

_ He had just read JD's old suicide note._

xXx

**Blaaah. That sucked, didn't it? Yeah, I suck.**

** But at least I put a **_**Breakfast Club**_** reference in there! C-c-c-combo breaker!**

** Ummm. Sorry again for the huuuge delay on this. Like almost a year xD I'm going to start working on chapter three now. Fuck I'm cool.**


	3. whats my age again

**Blah okay I suck.**

**Chapter threeee. **

**Posted basically immediately to make up for not posting a chapter in like almost a year xD**

**and a secret from sixbillionsecrets **

"_**So you're the most popular girl in school.**_

You're really pretty, funny, smart, and guys love you.

I can see why you're popular.

But after you liked almost all my photos on Facebook, I realized why people truly like you.

Because you are the most generous girl in the world." 

xXx

_'Dear Dan,' the letter started off. 'I don't know why I'm writing this to you... I guess it's probably because you're the only one who cares. By the time you read this, it will be too late. I would have already taken the pills. I'll be dead._

_ I want you to know that I'm sorry it came to this, and I'm sorry for all my stupid bullshit. You know what I'm talking about. I know you know about everything. I'm sorry for hurting you._

_ You can have my super Nintendo. Try and beat Super Mario Bros...for me._

_ Love, Johnny.'_

_ It felt weird to keep rereading it. And each time he reread it, Dr. Cox only grew angrier. He pushed everything else back into JD's locker, keeping the note out. Clutching it tightly in his hand, he stormed back to the gym, where JD was nervously watching his younger self and Jayna and this time a new girl with black hair and a black tank top talking._

_ "That's Paige-" he began, but stopped when he saw the purple paper in his mentors hand and the angry look on his face. "What are you doing with that?" he demanded. "Did you read it?"_

_ "What the hell were you thinking?" Dr. Cox demanded, thrusting the note at JD._

_ "Why did you read it? Ugh, you weren't suppose to read it!" JD was getting flustered, and he hopped off the bleachers and glared at Dr. Cox._

_ "I think I asked first," Perry hissed._

_ "Look, it was so many years ago, why does it even matter?" JD demanded. _

_ "Because it does, okay?"_

_ JD sighed and closed his eyes, leaning up against the wall. "I was going through a hard time, __okay?"_

_ "Everyone goes through a hard time. That doesn't mean they write fucking suicide notes!"_

_ "You don't get it," JD shook his head, frustrated. "No one ever got it! Jayna and her- Paige," he gestured at the black haired girl, "are the only ones that ever _got it. _That actually knew the real me."_

_ "And what was the _real _you? Some suicidal, whiny, self-loathing-"_

_ "Stop!" JD screamed. "I WANT TO WAKE UP NOW."_

_ "If that worked this nightmare would have already ended," Dr. Cox said softly. _

_ JD shrunk down and buried his head in his knees for several minutes. Finally he raised his head a little, avoiding eye contact with his mentor, and said, "Jayna and Paige both stopped me from killing myself."_

_ "Yeah?" Dr. Cox asked, no sarcasm showing in his voice. If JD didn't know better, he would have thought his mentor actually cared._

_ "Yeah." Was all JD said. He didn't explain, didn't go into any sort of detail, he just reburied his face in his knees, waiting to wake up._

xXx

When JD finally did wake up, he was trembling. Could he really go into work and face Dr. Cox after what had just happened?

_Maybe I dreamt it. Maybe it was all a dream and Perry wasn't _really_ in it, _he thought hopefully as he showered, turning around to distribute the warmth equally. He hung onto this thought during the entire trip to work.

His day started off like any other. Right away he was given a bad chart. A fourteen year old girl with Cystic Fibrosis who had come to the hospital to die. A lovely way to start off work.

He walked into her room, double checked the chart for her name, and smiled at her. "Hello, Cady," he said gently. "How do you feel today? I'm your doctor, Dr. Dorian."

"Hey," she said, her voice dry and low. "I feel okay, I guess. The nurse gave me something for pain a little while ago."

"That's good. So I take it you know all there is to know about your disease?" He hated doing this. She was so young. Some Cystic Fibrosis patients could live into their thirties. Others, like Cady, weren't so lucky.

__"Yeah," she closed her eyes and a tear fell down her face. "I'm going to die soon, aren't I?"

JD shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Cady, we're going to do all we can to keep that from happening."

"But there's no guarantee, is there?"

"Well, no..." JD trailed off, and then watched Cady do something incredibly unexpected.

She began to laugh.

"Thank god," she whispered. "I haven't been this happy in forever."

"Uhh..." JD was speechless. "Maybe you misunderstood-"

"No. I'm going to die. God, do you know how long I've been waiting for this?" She looked at him with tear filled eyes. "Ever since I found out I had this stupid disease, it's just been this big long waiting game. I can't do anything at home. My mom is so protective. I just sit and read or watch movies all day. I never went to a public school, I never got to make any friends," JD was stunned. "It wasn't a life, Dr. Dorian. The only thing in my life that was exciting was, well, this," she pulled one of her arms out from under a blanket and JD saw that her wrist was littered with scars and healing cuts.

He felt nauseous.

"Now I don't have to do it anymore," Cady wiped her eyes. "I feel like I'm going to be free." She was laughing gleefully when JD rushed out of the room.

xXx

"Dr. Cox," Carla called from the nurses station. "Come here a minute, please?"

Dr. Cox groaned but, since it was Carla, headed towards the desk. "Whaaaat?" he asked with a groan.

"Very mature Perry," Carla rolled her eyes. "And here, you have a new patient. Cady Parreno. JD requested she be given to someone else."

Dr. Cox stared at her incredulous. "I'm not doing extra work because he doesn't want to do his damn job," he growled. "What reason does he have for not treating her?"

"I heard she's loony," Carla informed him. "JD said she started crying tears of joy over the fact that she was dying, and that she was saying things about how she couldn't wait for death, and she had cuts all over her arms, too."

"So he sticks _me_ with the crazies?"

Carla shrugged. "Look, Perry, the girl doesn't have much time... She's got Cystic Fibrosis. All you have to do is make sure she's comfortable... Poor thing." Carla glanced sympathetically towards Cady's door.

"Fine, god," Perry took the chart and quickly read it. "I'll check on her after my break."

xXx

JD was in the breakroom when Dr. Cox came in, cup of coffee in hand. He was curled up on the couch like a cat, eyes closed as though he was trying to sleep. An awkward silence fell between the two of them, then Dr. Cox sat down in the chair and said, "So you dump your patient on me and then take a nap."

"She's a psycho," JD mumbled.

"So I heard. You know, you're going to have to deal with patients like that. It's part of your job. Not that you actually do your job," Dr. Cox works were slightly hard, but he didn't sound angry. He took a sip of coffee.

"Well, I'll take the next crazy then. I just can't deal with...her...knowing she's going to die...enjoying that..."

"It's called being suicidal."

"I know what it's called," JD snapped.

"You would," Dr. Cox said simply. There was a heavy silence, and finally said, "We shared another goddamned dream."

"I know," JD said quietly.

"We gonna talk about what happened?" Perry finally asked after a moment of hesitation.

JD shrugged. "Nothing to talk about."

"The note."

"Is massively old and massively stupid. This was ninth grade, God. It's not relevant now."

"It could be."

"It's not."

"Alright," Cox sipped his coffee. "But can I at least ask why you were considering that?"

"Like I said, it doesn't matter," JD said, getting up. "I have patients I need to go check on. And I better hurry since right now I'm _not doing my job_." He stopped in front of the door. "And stop snooping around my dreams. In fact, stay out of them altogether."

xXx

"Hello, Cady, I'm your new doctor, you can call me Dr. Cox," Perry started, staring at the frail, sickly girl. He felt bad for her.

"What happened to doctor Dorian?" She asked, sounded almost hurt. "He was my doctor this morning, wasn't he? He's okay, right?"

"He had too many patients to take care of so he asked me to cover a few for him," Perry lied. Of course he lied. What was he suppose to say? 'Uh, well, he thought you were crazier than a shithouse rat and wanted nothing to do with you anymore, so he dumped you off on whoever would take you and then took a nap'?

"Oh," Cady said, looking sad. "Will I get him back?"

"Maybe," Perry answered. "He's...very busy. But I'm sure he will take you back if he gets the opportunity."

"Well aren't you busy, too?" Cady asked. "Why do you have to take care of me? I liked Doctor Dorian."

"I'm busy, yes," Dr. Cox was getting annoying. "But I have less patients today than he does. So I took over for him. Like doing him a favor. I'm sure you did like him, and I'll be sure to let him know that."

"Okay," she sighed. "So how long until, ya know, the light?"

Dr. Cox stared. "Don't worry about it."

"But I wanna know how long I have."

"Don't worry about it."

Cady sighed. "That's why he switched off me, isn't it? He thought I was weird."

_Yes. _"No. Like I said, he's busy. You think you're his first crazy patient? You're not."

"So you think I'm crazy?" Cady raised an eyebrow. Perry simply shrugged. Cady brought out one of her arms and smirked a little, watching as Doctor Cox eyed the scars. "Do you think this is crazy?"

"Self-injury doesn't equal craziness." Cady frowned at this.

"I want excitement in my life before I die."

"I can't help you there."

There was a long silence which was broken when a heavyset nurse walked in to distribute some medicine. "Cady, dear," she chirped. "How's your arm, honey?"

_Hows your arm? Where have I heard that before?_

_ That's what that blond girl said to Newbie in the gym- DAMNIT! _

Dr. Cox stormed out of the room without a word, leaving Cady and the Nurse to exchange puzzled looks.

He caught JD by the nurses station and grabbed him roughly by the arm. "You and I need to talk, now."

xXx

**lol that sucked.**

** I hate everything xD**

** It's 5am. C: admire my dedication & revieeew. **

** also: should I have him start to get depressed again in present day? Like something happens with his mom or some shit so he starts cutting/stops eating and cries or some shit? Or keeep the misery in the past and let him bawww over it a bit before moving on?**


	4. our scars remind us

**Okaaaay. Another chapter. I probably won't get the whole chapter done tonight.**

**But oh well. Life goes on you guiiiize.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed. You're the reason I bother to keep going.**

**And I promise I'll finish this story, no matter what. And in good time. **

**My goal is to produce at least two chapters a week.**

**And a secret.**

_I ran away from home._

After five days of searching, the police finally caught me.

When I got back home, my dad was sitting on the couch.

"Back already? I was just getting used to how nice it is without you."

I hate it here. 

**Xxx.**

"Where are you taking me?" JD demanded, attempting to pull his arm out of Dr. Cox's iron grip. The older doctor was nearly dragging him down the hall, his mouth a thin and serious line. "Let go!"

"I said you and I were going to have a talk," Perry growled. "I meant a _private_ one. So stop complaining, Nancy, because you're already in deep shit with me right now."

"What did I even _do_?" JD asked, exasperated. He didn't get an answer, and instead was shoved rather roughly into an elevator. Dr. Cox jammed the button marked R2 for the roof. The elevator started to hum and JD felt the familiar lurching as it began to go up. "Perry," he said, earning a glare from his mentor for using his first name. "Why are you taking me to the roof? What exactly is the problem?"

"The problem is I noticed a little similarity between your younger self and little Cady-Suicide down there," the elevator doors opened and JD was shoved roughly out onto the roof. "Why is that Newbie? Why might I notice similarities?"

"I don't know," JD sighed. "What _similarities_ are you even talking about?" He didn't look at Dr. Cox when he spoke; instead, he looked off into the distance, at the distant glow of the city.

"When bleacher-blond-friend-"

"Jayna. Her name is Jayna."

"Fine. When _Jayna_ asked you how your arm was that day, what exactly did she mean?"

JD began chewing on his bottom lip, his eyes still not meeting Dr. Cox's, who's were boring into his skull. "I don't remember."

"The hell you don't." JD flinched slightly. "The nurse asked Cady the same thing."

There was a long silence as Dr. Cox waited for JD to speak.

"I had a cutting problem in high school. It wasn't a big deal. Nothing serious. And it's over now, anyway. So what does it matter?"

"Well, Linda, it kinda does matter. I'd like to make sure that the doctors here are _mentally stable,_" Perry hissed the last part, studying the younger doctor's reaction. JD only stood still, his gaze now focusing on his shoes. Dr. Cox pinched the bridge of his nose and ran his hands through his thick hair. "Why'd you do it, Newbie?"

JD simply shrugged. "It's a long story."

"Even if you didn't tell me now, I could probably find out in the next dream. And honestly, it would be easier for both of us if you just spilled now. So do me a favor, please, and spare me the suspense."

"How can you expect me to share a personal- and quite frankly painful- story if you're being a sarcastic dick to me?" JD demanded angrily. "I don't talk about this stuff, I _never_ have. I mean, you're asking me to tell you shit I didn't even tell Turk!"

Perry thought this over for a second. "Alright, fine. I'll keep all comments to myself until you're done. Deal?"

"Fine," JD sighed, walking over to the ledge and peering out at the parking lot spread out below, turned orange by the streetlights. A light summer breeze blew his hair. "I wasn't kidding when I said it was a long story, be warned." He glanced back at Dr. Cox, who only nodded for him to go on.

"I guess it started when I was thirteen. My parents had just divorced. I knew my mom was having a hard time, and she was drinking a lot. I did everything she wanted me to do, I tried to be the perfect child. I went to church. I helped my grandparents. All that shit. But then I had this other side of me that was miserable and dark. And I never could show it because I didn't want to disappoint Mom."

"One day I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I snapped and cut myself with a box cutter. I never told anyone, but it was amazing. So I started doing that- cutting- to channel my anger and pain and whatever. So I could be the good kid. And then I started going on long bike rides and pulling away from my family. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I started smoking pot, and using all my money to buy it."

"One day I had a friend over and we were smoking in my room. I had the door locked and the windows open and the fan going, but my mom still knew what we were doing. She made my friend go home and started screaming at me. So I finally snapped and started screaming back. I threatened to break all the windows in the house and hang myself and she threatened to call the police. So I went and locked myself in my room again. I knew already she was going to get rid of me someone. So I slashed my arm up again."

"The next day, when I got out of school, my mom's car and my dad's truck were both in the school parking lot. My stuff was all packed into my dad's truck. I started breaking down and showed my mom the cuts. She didn't really seem to care. Then I went to live with my Dad, and that was when I transferred to Sumac Point."

"I was getting worse living with my Dad. In the dream, that all took place in, like, April. But the first couple of months were awful. At some point in December I ended up taking a bottle of pills and had to get my stomach pumped. I was forced into the psych ward for eight weeks. It was awful."

"When I came back out, I stopped eating, because my brother made a joke that I had gotten pudgy while I was away. I know he didn't mean it, but for some reason it set me off. And when Jayna asked how my arm was, it was because the previous Thursday I had cut really deep and had to go get stitches. I was completely zoned out when I did it. Dan- he lived with Dad this whole time- said he came into my room and gave me keys or something and said I didn't even say anything. The next thing I know I was bleeding really bad, so I went to find my dad and he was all, 'ohhh, we gottaaa go to the hospital.'" JD finally let his voice trail off.

Dr. Cox, who was surprised and slightly disturbed by the story but masked it well, asked, "and then?"

JD shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You were right. I was a whiney, self-loathing, suicidal little bastard teen. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go home. I'm going to miss _Friends._ I hate missing _Friends._" With that he brushed past his silent mentor and ignored the elevator, instead heading down the stairs.

Perry took the elevator.

**Xxxx.**

JD couldn't believe it.

It had been two (_three?)_ hours since his vague confession to his mentor. _Why did I do that? Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit! _Now he was panicking, pacing around his apartment, sitting down and getting up again, trying not to go into a full blown panic attack.

_I shouldn't have told him. I shouldn't have fucking told him FUCK. I could have made up any excuse for my arm! Oh, I fell out of a tree. Oh, my father, Jack Torrence, broke it because I got papers and beer all over his office. It was an accident, of course! Oh, I smashed it in a locker! Oh, Abbot Chrystler punched me hard! Big bruise! SO BIG. FUCK WHY DIDN'T I LIE!_

He hadn't opened up and confessed a secret that big since the days of Jayna and Paige and a few other high school friends that had come in and out of his life. That was years ago. And why even bring this up now? What point was Dr. Cox trying to prove? And why is this effecting JD so much now, when it happened so damn long ago?

It almost felt like the pain was fresh.

He sunk down on his couch and buried his face in his knees, trembling slightly. _"How to fight loneliness," _he began singing. _"Smile all the time. Shine your teeth till meaningless. And sharpen them with lies." _

That was a song he had often listened to in high school. The song that motivated him to keep the mask on. The fake face. The insincere smile.

But he had abandoned all that a long time ago, right? Given up the masks?

Of course he had.

But what if he ever needed them again?

"No," he groaned out loud. "I'm not doing this again!" his words rung out in his apartment and it had never felt so empty. "_Just smile all the time,"_ he whispered quietly.

He wanted to download that song now.

**XXX.**

JD had never been so happy to have a day off. After last night's confrontation with Dr. Cox, he really didn't feel like going in and facing him.

There had been no dream last night, because JD had not slept.

_DON'T YOOOU FORGET ABOUT MEEE! I'LL BE ALLLONE, DANCING, YOU KNOW IT BABY! _His phone was going off, and he quickly flipped it open.

"Hello?"

"Hey, JD!" came the excited voice voice of his best friend.

"Turk! What up, my brother?"

"At home hanging. I have the day off, and Carla doesn't! Isn't that sick?"

"Hell yeah! I have the day off too, isn't that weird?"

"Nah, I scheduled my day off on the same day you had off on purpose. I figured we need some super best friend hang out time. So what do you wanna do today, buddy?"

_Sleep. _"We could read Sylvia Plath to each other!"

"...I'd rather stick my head in an oven."

"Stephen King, then?" JD asked hopefully.

"Let's not read to each other, V-Bear."

"We could sing oldies on street corners! _Everyday, it's a-gettin closer, goin' faster than a roller coaster-"_

"I think that's generally frowned upon," Turk laughed.

"Hmm... We could go see a movie and then go have pizza."

"Sounds perfect. What movie do you want to see?"

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?" JD asked hopefully.

"Sweet! Get your butt over to my house, now!" With that Turk hung up, and so did JD.

_Shine your teeth till meaningless._

_ Sharpen them with lies._

He was fine.

**Xxx.**

"I can't believe you cried."

"It was so...horrible."

"I can't believe you cried!" Turk repeated. "Over some goblin thing!"

"Dobby wasn't some goblin-thing!" JD shrieked, tearfully. "He was a hero!"

"Well, he's dead."

"Don't remind me!" JD dabbed at his eyes and took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry if I caused a small scene there."

"You threw your soda down and started bawling."

"It was an act of passion."

"Sure," Turk laughed, taking a bite out of his pizza. Then he studied his friend carefully. "You okay, JD?"

"Torn up over Dobby's death," JD lied automatically, instantly feeling guilty. Why couldn't he just tell his friend that he was feeling a bit down because of old memories? Was that so hard?

_Yes, it is so hard,_ he decided. Then he smiled a watery smile at Turk. "I'll get over it by the end of the night. The memory of his death... it's just so fresh in my mind."

"I knew I should have taken you to see something else," Turk grumbled playfully.

_No,_ JD thought. _A sad movie is a perfect cover._

_**Xxx.**_

__**Deathly Hallows spoilers D: don't hate.**

** The song he sings that's so deeeep and emotiooonal is "How to Fight Loneliness" by Wilco**

** His ring tone is "Don't You Forget about Me" from The Breakfast Club**

** aaaand. I hope I'm not rushing thiiings tooooo much. **

** It's 12:33am and I have school tomorrow. And my leg is reaaaally cramped. Admire my dedication. ADMIRE IT HARD. Damn I want a cookie.**

** Anywaaay. Reviewww and I'll love you forever. I'm gonna go eat a cookie and go to bed. **

** I WATCHED THE WORLD FLOAT TO THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON.**

** Hurp. Byyyye(: **


	5. yellowjackets silverfishes and slugs

** I'm so glad that I don't have to start off this story with an apology for the delay. I don't have to cough up some excuse about how school is horribly haaaard and I just have so much homework and such.**

** Just so you know next Thursday I leave to go on a ten day vacation to Florida with my friend Melissa. I'm bringing my laptop with me, but I'm not positive that I'll get any writing done or any chapters uploaded. So if starting next Thursday there's about a ten day delay on a chapter it's because of that, not because I dropped the story. Just so you guys don't panic and give up home on me.**

** So question; since the first chapter which was written about a year ago, do you guys think my writing style has gotten better or worse? I haven't written much of anything in a long while, so I personally think my skills are a bit rusty. But please, let me know. Also, I'd love any suggestions for the story. They really help me when I run into road blocks. Give me all the ideas you've got! I'd love them (:**

** And a secret from sixbillionsecrets **

"_Today you looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I was okay._

_I smiled and said I was fine, but you have me a hug anyways and said I can always trust you._

_For the next three hours I spilled my heart out to you._

_You sat there and listened._

_Thank you so much. I love you."_

**x x x x x x **

Normally it would have been a good day. But not today;

JD awoke to his alarm softly droning out one of his favorite songs- _Hey Jude_ by The Beatles. He laid in bed and listened to it the whole way through, his tired eyes shut, just enjoying the music. He had always found something soothing about the song. He had always loved The Beatles. They made him feel like he lived in a whole different world. Older times.

Finally the song ended and he switched his alarm off before it started blasting a more obnoxious song. Then he rubbed his eyes, dragged himself out of bed, and found himself standing in the shower, letting the hot water rush over over him. Thick steam rose, but he didn't see it. His eyes were closed. His body ached.

He stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. He stepped out, the cold air of his apartment taking over. He felt slightly feverish. _Maybe,_ he thought, _I'm getting the flu._

And yet he still had to make it to work. He couldn't miss a day. Without it, really, what was his purpose? If he was going to feel sick and sorry for himself he might as well do it at work so he be doing something slightly productive. So he sluggishly dried off and got dressed and popped a bagel in the toaster oven, which, later, slathered with butter, didn't seem to have any taste at all.

He choked down the last bite. He didn't feel very hungry today.

**X x x x x **

"Bambi, you're late!" JD opened his mouth to give an apology and an excuse, but Carla didn't seem to want to hear it. She shoved some charts at him. "Get going, we're swamped today! There was a huge accident on West Broadway today, and three people are in surgery right now. A few seem to be pretty banged up, go look at them, quick!"

JD simply stared at her for about two seconds and then turned, without a word, heading towards his first patients room.

He hated busy mornings.

By lunch time he was already exhausted. He hasn't slept much at all last night,and the fact that he had no sleep the night before didn't help at all. His body felt ready to fall apart. His back and shoulders ached painfully. His throat felt raw. His body temperature fluctuated from burning up to freezing cold in a matter of seconds. By the time he sat down at lunch with a bowl of vegetable soup and a bottle of water, he was sure it was the flu.

His head pounded slightly and he glanced around. He had chosen to eat at a single table today, and Turk was giving him this almost wounded look from the regular lunch table. Elliot was talking a mile a minute while Carla listened- or pretended to at least- with a smile plastered on her face.

JD saw Turk mouth him something, and he assumed that he was asking why JD was sitting by himself. JD simply shrugged and mouthed "i don't feel good." He didn't know if Turk could read lips, but at least his best friend finally stopped staring at him like he had a bug on his face.

_A bug on my face,_ JD thought, staring into his soup but not having any real desire to eat it,_ wouldn't that be something? Or one of those things from the Alien movies. The ones that lay an egg down your throat, and then another creepy alien pops out of your chest. That would be so disgusting if that happened to me._ He sighed and took a bite of soup. _I mean, if I was going to die, I wouldn't want it to happen because an alien popped out of my chest. It's probably start to devour my friends, and-_

"Dining alone today, Bethany?"

JD glanced up and stared at Dr. Cox blankly, almost not recognizing him for a minute. Then he shrugged and said simply, "I don't feel well."

"Well, you don't look well."

JD cringed a little big. "Thanks," he said, masking the hurt. Dr. Cox had basically just told him he looked like shit. What a big confidence booster. What a great addition to his shitty day. "Glad you think so."

"You seemed deep in thought there, Newbs. What were you thinking about? How nervous you are to play Dorothy in tonight's rendition of _The Wizard of Oz? _Opening night always has the biggest turn out, no one would blame you for having nerves."

"Hilarious," JD said, shifting his gaze to focus back on his mostly uneaten soup.

Perry looked at him for another minute, waiting for him to say or do something. But JD only sat, unmoving. Dr. Cox couldn't even tell if he had blinked. "Alright, Newbie, fine. I'm going to eat my lunch now. Have fun not eating yours."

"I will," JD said quietly, and watched Dr. Cox walk away.

He felt sick. The image of an alien tearing through his chest and devouring his mentor came to mind. It made him feel even sicker. So sick, in fact, that- "Oh shit," he gasped, before standing up, dashing to the trash can, and emptying everything in his stomach.

"Ughhh," he moaned after dry heaving for a minute. Turk, Carla, and Elliot were immediately by his side. Dr. Cox left the line and came marching over. The rest of the room stared at him, some people pushing their lunch trays away.

"Bambi, are you okay?" Carla asked worriedly.

"JD, oh my gosh!" Elliot stammered.

"Vanilla bear, you okay? Oh, dude, you look horrible!" Turk.

JD's head was pounding and he felt nauseous and dizzy and then, once again, he leaned over the trash can and heaved up more. He felt a cool hand pressed against his forehead. People's voices were becoming light buzzes in the background. His head throbbed with a pain that was like a horrible brain freeze that didn't go away. The faces surrounding him started to blur. Dr. Cox, Elliot, Carla, Turk, all staring at him with a look of concerned horror. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if, maybe, an alien had just popped out of his chest.

Then his vision went black.

**Xxxx**

"Bambi? You awake?" JD's eye's shot open and he jerked up, confused. Looking around he saw that he was in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV, with a worried looking Carla peering down sympathetically at him.

"Oh, Bambi, thank god. You had us worried sick!"

"What happened?" he asked hoarsely.

"You passed out in the lunch room- your fever was one hundred and three! You have a nasty case of the flu. Bambi, why did you come to work today if you felt so sick? You must have known you weren't healthy this morning."

Black spots danced in JD's vision for a second and he blinked them away. "I thought it was mild..."

Carla sighed. "Well it's not. You're being put on antibiotics and Dr. Cox requested that you stay the night here so your condition can be regulated."

JD shook his head. "No, I'm fine."

"No, JD, you're not," Carla snapped. Then she softened again. "You need to get better fast, Bambi. You stay here and rest, okay? It'll be fine, I promise." she kissed him in his burning forehead and headed out the door.

JD wanted to call her back in. He wanted to calmly explain to her that if he didn't wake up to The Beatles tomorrow, something inside of him was going to snap.

But he couldn't. So he watched through the window as she walked back to the nurse's station.

**Xxxxx**

_"Not this again," JD hissed as he found himself in the familiar high school setting._

_ "Yes, this again," Perry Cox sighed. He was leaning up against a locker and JD glared at him. "And as odd as it is for me to say, this is almost convenient. You see, Comfort, I've really been itching to have a good long talk with you about what happened in the cafeteria today, but every time I went to talk to you Carla had you so doped up on medicine you were practically delirious. I asked you how you felt and you started babbling on about aliens shooting out of your chest." JD flushed and lowered his gaze. _

_ "Comforts' a new one," he said quietly._

_ "I know," Dr. Cox said. "I thought I'd try it out. Anyway, let's get back to the main subject; what exactly _was _that little scene in the lunch room?"_

_ JD shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't feel good. Then the next thing I know I was puking my brains out."_

_ "I noticed. You passed out."_

_ "Sorry."_

_ "So, Dolores, are you going to tell me that before you came to work you didn't have _any_ symptoms of the flu?"_

_ JD was silent._

_ "So you did have symptoms?" JD simply nodded. "Now, Newbie, if you _knew_ you were sick, and if you _knew_ that working probably wouldn't be the best thing for someone with the flu, _why did you come to work_?" _

_ "Because I wanted to do my job..."_

_ "And you don't think, not even a wee bit, that coming to work in the state you were in was slightly self destructive?"_

_ JD glared at him. "I didn't want to take a sick day for what I thought was a mild flu."_

_ "And how have your sleeping patterns been lately, Cora?"_

_ JD gritted his teeth. He wanted to snap at his mentor, tell him to stop calling him girls names, and to stay out of his dreams. Out of his head. "I haven't been sleeping well lately."_

_ "I figured," Perry said. "It seems like a pattern of self destructive behavior, however mild it may seem."_

_ Almost every part of JD wanted to just let his guard down and tell Dr. Cox that he was right, and that he was scared he was spiraling towards a mental breakdown._

_ Instead, he opened his mouth and said, "I'm fine."_

_ And the cycle repeats itself._

**Xxxx**

_These crazy stupid mother fuckers never leave me alone and my lungs are wheezing slightly._

That song was stuck on replay in JD's head, probably because it seemed to apply to him right now. He wanted nothing more than to be out of the hospital. After he had woken up from that dream, sometime around four in the morning, he couldn't seem to get back to bed.

_There's a voice, there's a voice, there's a voice in my head, it's rather soothing and it tells me I'd be better off dead._

JD glanced at the clock. Only an hour and a half had past since he had woken up. _Fuck..._ he thought, hopelessly. He just wanted to get out of this fricken bed. Out of this fricken hospital.

**Xxxxx**

"You sure you feel okay enough to be going home?" Carla asked nervously as she and a pale and tired looking JD stood in front of the hospital door.

"Carla, I feel so much better, and I have my medicine. I'll be fine."

"I don't know, Bambi... you still don't look so hot."

JD flinched a little. He hated being told he looked bad. "I'm fine. I'll get home and sleep."

"You sure you're okay to drive?"

"A-okay," JD assured. "Bye, Carla," and he walked off towards his car before Carla could utter another protest.

He hadn't remembered being so relieved to be home in a long time.

But there seemed to be a certain loneliness that hung in the air of his apartment. There were no beeps of hospital machinery, no footsteps coming down the hall, no low murmurs. It made JD feel uncomfortable.

He didn't want to be alone.

**Xxxx**

**Okaaay. FIRST THING FIRST THAT SONG HE HAD STUCK IN HIS HEAD IS THIS REALLY AMAZING SONG AND I GARUNTEE THAT YOU WILL LOVE IT. It's "Delirium" by Motion City Soundtrack. It doesn't matter what genre of music you usually like. You will love this song. Look it up. And if you do look it up, listen to it, and love it, please let me know in a review :3 It would make me feel special.**

** And the song first played was obviously "Hey Jude" by The Beatles.**

** I guess the point of this chapter was to show the very start of his breakdown. LOL. **

** Baww it's 12:32am and I have school tomorrow. I really wanna write another chapter but at the same time I'm like "holy fucking shit I'm tired." I'm usually passed out by midnight. I remember back when I was fourteen and I could stay up till two am and not feel even remotely tired. The older I get the more tired I am at the end of the time. ;A;**

** Soooo review and leave suggestions and advice and all that good shit :D AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU LISTENED TO AND LIKED THE SONG. I love Motion City Soundtrack, I have three of their CD's xD**

** Also, if you guys wanna talk to me personally instead of through a review, feel free to add me on AIM and never be shy to talk to me, I'm really nice :D My AIM is xGreenGlowstick**

** Long authors note is long. I hope the chapter was long enough for you D: Next chapter coming sooooon. Like probably tomorrow since I seem to me on the very productive pattern of producing a chapter a night :D**


	6. its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

**Whooo. Another chapter :'D I'm starting this a little earlier tonight. It's 10:47pm. I hopefully won't be up till 12:30 tonight. It's really starting to fuck me over in the morning. **

**Bawww it seemed like I go a lot more reviews when I didn't update for a year. Now I'm uploading like everyday and have like two reviewers xD If you read then review so I know you reaaad it D: Pleaase C:**

**And Calmena ,thanks for the awesome reviews and advice C: and I'm glad you liked both of the songs :D**

**Also, you guys would be a huge help if you let me know what you wanna see more of. Should he go back to cutttting? And/or get his eating disooorder back? Or try and kill himself? Lemmeee know what you'd like to see, okay?**

**No secret for this chapter because the authors note is already really long :\ **

**xXxX**

Cady was not doing well. Not at all. Dr. Cox looked down at the very thin, very pale girl, who was currently fast asleep, tucked under a thin and scratchy hospital blanket. She was dying slowly.

He didn't know why he cared so much about her. He wasn't his patient to begin with, and he hadn't even have wanted to take her over. The last thing he wanted was another crazy- he already had several of those. Of course, at the hospital, there were several different types of crazy.

There was the handsy-crazy, for example. The patients who couldn't seem to keep their hands off of the doctors and nurses. It was almost like a compulsion for them to grab and the nearest human being that they saw. They were one of the more annoying kinds.

Then there was the temperamental crazies. They screamed and threw things when they were angry and sobbed hysterically over the slightest bad news. These were probably the most common, and Dr. Cox could almost sympathize with them. After all, if they were in the hospital, they probably had a reason to be emotional. They were sick, or broken, or, god forbid, dying.

And of course, there were the silent crazies- the ones who never uttered a word. And the blurt-it-out crazies, who said whatever was on their mind. The suicidal ones, like Cady. The homicidal ones. It sometimes felt more like a mad house than a hospital.

"Mmm," Cady stirred, and slowly opened her eyes, which were a dull blue that seemed to be turning grayer each day. The area under her eyes were so purple they looked bruised. She looked like someone who was dying. And she was. "Hey, Dr. C," she grinned weakly, running a hand through her long orange hair. "What's up?" Her voice was softer than it had been the first day he had met her, and sounded strained.

"Your condition is getting worse, you know," Dr. Cox said flatly.

"I know," Cady smiled, letting her head sink back down into the pillow. "I feel like death. Can I at least have a nurse bring me some more fucking morphine?"

"I'll ask a nurse for some more fucking morphine in a minute, Cady. There's actually something I want to talk to your about, if you feel up to it."

"Mmm?"

Dr. Cox hesitated, then asked, "why did you cut your arms like that?"

She didn't get mad or yell or cry or do any of the things Dr. Cox had been prepared for. Instead she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "because it helps."

"Helps with what?"

"Life." she turned her face to look at him, a look of excitement in her eyes. "Look, I'm not a deep person. I never wrote shitty poems about how I was a beautiful scarred swan or whatever the fuck. It's like this. You're having the worst day ever and you want something to take your mind off shit. So you add a few gashed to your wrist- oh, look, you're bleeding. Ouch, it kinda stings. Viola, it takes your mind off of shit." She stopped talking and started coughing dryly.

"I see," Perry said, thinking over what she said.

"Why do you even ask, anyway?" Cady raised an eyebrow. "I mean, I'm on my deathbed here. It's not like you can lock me up in the fucking nut house or anything. So why bother asking this shit? I highly doubt it's out of your own personal interest or anything. You got a kid who cuts themselves? A friend? What?"

Dr. Cox sighed, his head starting to ache a bit. What answer would he give Cady? He mulled this over for a minute before he finally said, "I'm just worried about a friend."

"Ahh," she said, and a silence fell between the two of them.

"How do I know if someone's going to, you know," Perry made a cutting motion on his wrist.

"Well," Cady smiled slightly. "It depends."

"On what?"

"How good they are at hiding it."

xXxXx

JD was sore and tired when he got to work after taking four days off to get over his nasty flu. He hadn't slept much. Headaches kept him up at night, even after he had shaken off his illness. Small things seemed to be setting him off, something that hadn't happened since his high school days. He cried over trivial things, like not having any ginger ale or not getting the newspaper.

That couldn't be normal, could it?

"Yo JD!" Turk shouted from the nurse's station when JD entered the building. "You're back! Good to see you man!" he was wrapping his friend in a tight hug now, and JD returned the gesture almost shyly. "You feeling better?"

"Much better," JD answered. "No more fever, no more puking. Life's grand once again," a smile spread over his face, and only he knew how insincere it truly was.

"What did you do for the four days you took off, anyway?" Turk asked, grinning.

"Well. I watched Dexter season four. The finale made me cry, hard. I liked Rita," JD sighed at the image of her covered in blood. Turk, who had no clue what he was talking about, asked;

"what else?"

"Well... there was a _Malcolm in the Middle_ marathon on TBS... so I watched that. And other than that I kinda stared the the ceiling and drifted in and our of consciousness."

"Sounds sick."

"I thought I saw a unicorn," JD said dreamily.

'"You must have taken way too much of your flu medicine then," Turk laughed, before smacking JD on the back and saying "Well I gotta get to surgery man. I'll see you at lunch, v-bear."

"See you at lunch, C-Bear," JD said, and then he was by himself again. Sighing, he picked up his charts at the nurses station and began his day.

**XxxX**

Four hours and a death later, he was seated in his usual spot at the lunch table, next to Turk. Neither knew where Carla or Elliot was, and neither actually seemed to care. JD poked at his lunch, taking a few bites here and there but finding it almost disgusting to eat. Turk devoured everything on his tray and then began to eat JD's food their, too.

"Woah there, Ghandi, don't you think your wife would like to enjoy some of that food herself?" asked a voice, and they both looked up to see Dr. Cox sit down next to JD, across from the empty seat next to Turk.

"Dr. Cox? You're sitting here?" Turk asked, surprised.

"It would appear that way, turtle head," Perry rolled his eyes, and then glanced at JD. "Well, Newbie? Don't just sit there staring like an idiot. Eat your food." JD quickly dropped his gaze down to his fries and began eating slowly.

"Why are you here?" Turk questioned the older doctor.

"Because I can be? Duh?"

"Right..." suddenly Turk's pager went off. He quickly glanced down at it and cussed.

"I gotta go, there's an emergency. See you around, JD!" Turk threw away his tray and quickly ran off, leaving a very uncomfortable JD and Dr. Cox alone at a table.

"Convenient," Perry stated. "I was wishing him away, and so he went away. Maybe I'm just a god. Probably."

"What are you doing here, Perry?" JD asked blankly.

"What do you mean what am I doing here? Last time I checked I can sit wherever I damn well please, Tuesday, so what difference does it make to you?"

"You're trying to keep an eye on me," JD gritted his teeth. "Well don't."

Dr. Cox blinked. "Don't get so full of yourself there, Newbie. If you think I'm even remotely interested in your life, you're wrong. So sorry there."

"That's why you're sitting with me. Because you're so uninterested. Right?"

"Don't be sarcastic with me, Carly," Dr. Cox warned. "It really, _really _pissed me off."

"Well you know what pisses me off? You're going out of your way to become involved in my life and then act like you don't even care!" JD snapped. "Stay out of my business."

"You're re-heally crossing the line their, Newbie." Perry could feel the rage starting to build up inside him.

"I don't care. I'm so sick of you! Stay out of my life!"

"Newbie," Perry warned one last time.

"Just knock it off," JD hissed. "I already told you_, I'm fine."_

And then there was an intense pain in the side of his face where Dr. Cox delivered a punch that nearly sent his chair backwards. He stared wide-eyed at his mentor, who only stood up and walked away, ignoring the stares of several people who had witnessed what just happened.

"You okay?" Someone asked JD. He nodded quickly and also stood up. He was nearly shaking, and felt a panic attack coming on. _Why? Fuckfuckfuck why?_ He wondered as he hurried out of the cafeteria and stumbled into a supply closet, trying to keep his breaths even. _Why am I freaking out like this shit why he's hit me before fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK calm down calm down calm down_- and then it dawned on him.

When Dr. Cox hit him, it reminded him of how often people like Abbot Crystler had hit him in school.

After that, he couldn't try and relax any longer. He sunk down to the floor, sobbing.

**XxxXx**

Dr. Cox was surprised to see Cady's bead empty when he returned to her room."Uhh, nurse, where's this patient?" he asked the heavy set woman who had asked Cady how her arm was that day.

She glanced at the bed and then frowned deeply. "Sugar died," she told him.

"_What?"_ Perry asked, shocked.

"While you were on break, sugar died. Went nice and easy. She was sleeping fine, then we heard the beep and knew she was gone. Twitchy mortician boy just came and got her a few minutes ago. I just came in to strip the bed," she began doing what she had just said she would do, pulling the sheets off the bed.

"And no one told me?" Perry demanded. The nurse shrugged.

"It's not my job to tell you," she said. "So I don't know what you want me to say. Were you and Miss Cady very close?"

He stared at her blankly for a minute, and then said, "No, we weren't close. I'm just surprised." Without saying anything else he left the room. He was sad over the young girl's death.

Had they been close? Yeah.

Yeah they had been.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and felt his headache coming back. He just wanted to get away from the hustle of the hospital just for a minute. So he opened the door to the nearest supply closet, just for a quick break.

Instead of finding relief, he found a sobbing Newbie.

**XxXxX**

** That was kinda short wasn't it?**

** Blaaah I suck. REVIEW WITH WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF :D**

** and it's only 11:43! I'm gonna get a decent sleep tonight!**

** Hahaaa review C:**


	7. all the words we never say

**I haven't updated in forever and I suck and I'm a bad person. I literally forgot about this story and for that you get all my gomens.**

**But I'm gonna try again? Like I haven't written anything but porn in like 8 months so my writing is really rusty. In some ways I'm actually better but I really feel like I have problems with dialogue and transitioning. I guess the only way to get better though is to practice. **

**So I'm not going to promise daily updates or anything but I'm really going to try and get through this and finish it as quickly as I can. Truthfully though I'm lazy and constantly get writers block but I'm going to try. **

**So yeah don't blink cuz lifeee goes faster than you think.**

**I dedicate this chapter to my best friend dustin who gave me tons of bruises to remember him by since he kept pinching me all god damn weekend. **

**xXx**

Walking out of that supply closet when he witnessed JD breaking down as a decision Cox regretted basically immediately. But what could he do? Wrap the kid in a hug and smother him with love and "it'll be okay"? He just isn't that kind of person. Sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's really shitty.

After about twenty or so minutes, JD had returned to work, as though nothing had happened. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was bruised, but other than that you couldn't tell a whole awful lot that something was wrong with him. He downplayed the event in the cafeteria to his friends and a few curious co-workers, ignored the Janitor's snide comment about it, and avoided his mentor all together.

While Cox felt conflicted, wanting to go talk to his Newbie, but feeling unable to do so, JD simply felt numb, if not a little relieved. Maybe better than he felt in days. He was sporting some obvious bruises, but also a careful, neat row of slices nicely concealed by his shirtsleeve. The pain that had resurfaced slowly over the past few days was finally gone, at least for now. He checked on all his patients, chatted with a few, joked with Turk, and when it was finally time to go home, he got his things from his locker and headed out towards the parking lot.

It was sort of lucky or Perry that he caught JD before he mounted Sasha and rode off, but when he spotted his mentor approaching JD could only frown slightly, glancing at his phone to check the time as though he was in a hurry. "Do you need something?" He asked cautiously when Perry was in hearing range. The older man shrugged.

"Listen, Newbie, about earlier-"

"Per, you hit me. I deserved it, I guess. Either way, I'm over it. No need to apologize." JD offered up a weak smile.

Dr. Cox gritted his teeth a little. "I wasn't talking about that. What happened in the supply closet, I mean."

"Nothing happened in the supply closet," JD said quickly. He glanced at his scooter, then back to Perry. "Listen, I need to go home. There's a new episode of The Office on tonight. I really need to find out of Angela's baby is Dwight's. It's had me on the edge of my seat since last season's finale."

Dr. Cox couldn't tell if he was more angry or shocked over JD's dismissive attitude. Wasn't Petunia supposed to be the kind of person who's all about sharing their feelings? Either way, it perturbed him. He studied JD carefully for a minute, before saying, "To hell with it. Go home Newbie. Get some sleep. You look like you could use it."

As he watched JD pull out of the parking lot, the only thing Dr. Cox allowed himself to think about was just how badly he needed a drink.

**xXx**

Once he was home, JD did as he told Dr. Cox he would; he watched the new episode of The Office. Once it was over, he brushed his teeth and flopped into bed. He was worried he would have another shared dream, but he was almost too tired to care. The cuts on his wrist itched madly, but he ignored them and slowly drifted off.

_It was snowing outside, which was weird, because didn't these dreams take place in the spring? JD had hoped this wouldn't happen again, but here he was, back in his old high school. The halls were empty, and outside the large windows facing the courtyard he could see that the world was sleepily buried under a blanket of snow. Ice crystals hung from the pear tree, reflecting the bright but cold winter sun. To his right a student exited their classroom clutching a hall pass and headed off in the direction of the bathroom. To his left, Perry stood, leaning against a wall, studying JD who was studying the frosted world outside the window._

"_Hey," JD said, trying to keep his voice nonchalant. He was wearing the clothes he had gone to bed in, a baggy black hoodie and navy sweatpants. He could feel the cuts burning on his wrist. His face ached where Perry had hit him. Dreams were never supposed to feel this real, it was ridiculous._

"_Newbie," Perry grunted in response. "Anything on the agenda for tonight?"_

_JD shrugged at the question, and sat down on one of the long benches that were placed at the back of the foyer they were both standing in. After a moment, Dr. Cox joined him._

"_So how was The Office?" Perry asked finally, breaking the silence. "Everything you thought it would be and more?"_

_JD chewed on his lip. "S'Alright. The baby's not Dwight's, which is weird because the Senator is gay, but I guess he must have slept with her at some point if he thought the baby was his."_

"_So about the supply closet breakdown-"_

"_We don't have to talk about that," JD cut Cox off. "It's over now. I'm better now."_

"_What do you mean by you're 'better' now?"_

"_I handled the situation," JD said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world._

"_And how, exactly, did you handle it? Because I honestly don't believe you just cried it out and moved on."_

"_Honestly, I just got over it."_

"_Honestly, I don't believe you. I think you're full of shit." Dr. Cox hesitated for a minute, and then asked, "You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"_

_JD's mind flashed to the five bright red lines that now marred the pale flesh of his wrist and shook his head. "I don't do that anymore."_

"_So what class are you in now?" Cox asked, changing the subject since he doubted he was going to get much of anything out of JD right now, especially the truth. _

"_I don't think I'm in any class. This, I think, is around the time I was in Green Lakes," JD paused, then added, "the hospital," to clear things up._

"_What was it like there, anyway?"_

"_Crappy, I guess. There wasn't a whole lot to do, and there was basically no such thing as privacy. It made me feel worse than I already did for a really long time. But then, it's like, you start faking it, just because you want to get out. You want to go to the movies and see your friends and your family and you're desperate for a cigarette and you just kinda start to lie. Make yourself seem like you're better. Tell them what you want to hear. And to be honest, it sort of did make me feel better. Like I had my life under control, even just a little bit. I knew how to play all the doctors, and the nurses, and the other patients, and eventually they released me."_

"_But it didn't really help all that much. You weren't better when you got out, you know. And maybe because you didn't get help back then, you still don't know how to deal with things now."_

"_What do you mean?" JD asked incredulously. "I'm perfectly fine now! I mean, I've had a bad week, but-"_

"_You've been on your way to having a mental breakdown for the last few days there, Newbie. You're snapping."_

"_I'm not snapping," JD spat out. "You don't know a thing about me."_

"_And you won't tell me anything, so how should I?" Cox demanded. _

"_You act like it's just that easy. Like you can treat me horribly all day, and then expect me to come to you when I have a problem so we can have our own little honesty hour. But, haha, when I've tried to do that in the past, what do you do? Laugh at me, belittle me, get angry with me. I think you expect way too much of me."_

"_Well truthfully, Delilah," Perry started to rant, "most of the problems you've come to me with in the past have been, quite frankly, crap. Boo-hoo my black boyfriend's mad at me. Or maybe his wife is. Or maybe it's because Blonde just isn't all that into you. And no, I don't really care about that. But this? This is different. You're on a dangerous path, and believe it or not, I care."_

_JD laughed bitterly. "You don't care. You probably just want to know so that you can get rid of me if you think I'm a danger to myself before I do something crazy at the hospital."_

"_Do you really think that? That I'd just fire you because you're going through something? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I want to help you?"_

"_Oh, and what a whole hell of a lot of helping you're doing. First you tell me that you don't care, then you punch me in the face, then you leave me sobbing in a supply closet to slash myself up, and now you're sitting here trying to tell me that you do in fact care and it's all my fault for not letting you in? And I'm the fucking crazy one here." JD snorted, and Cox fell silent._

_For a few moments, no one spoke._

"_So you did. Cut yourself, I mean. You did that." Perry finally stated. _

"_A few scratches. It's not a big deal."_

_Cox looked away, and when he finally spoke, his voice was softer, more tired. "You're right. I'm not an easy person to deal with, either. And I've probably been giving you quite a few mixed signals. So I'm sorry. But you need to talk to me, okay? Before you wind up dead."_

"_Yeah," JD agreed, sounding just as worn out. "Yeah, okay."_

_From down the hall the bell rang, and as the hallway began to fill up with kids, the dream began to fade out for both men. _

_**xXx**_

_that sucked and was sort of shortish?gomen u_u  
anyway hmu with a review or s/t let me know you care that I updated or w/e. _

_god bless _


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